Right, so TFP, unbelievably back in the White House, threatened Canada with a swath of tariffs, and Canada responded with a plan to implement a swath of “eff off, eh?” tariffs in response. Eventually this resulted in a conversation between TFP and our Prime Minister where we agreed to do all of the things we were going to do anyway in exchange for a 30-day reprieve. Cool.
Except we also agreed to appoint a Fentanyl Czar, which admittedly is new. I mean it’s really new, because as far as I know we haven’t done the Czar-theatre thing in the past. Because, well, because it’s theatre. But now we have to, to buy favour with the idiot-in-chief. And I’m guessing we’ve only got 30 days to do it.
That’s not really enough time to use the current US model, which would be to find a sycophant who has been publicly pro-fentanyl, drag them up in some kind of confirmation-hearing theatre and ask them pointed questions where they lie and say now they’re as anti-Fentanyl as anti-Fentanyl can be.
No, we need to use a tried and true Canadian method. A lottery. We’ve got a well-oiled lottery apparatus here. I’m confident that we can set up the Fentanyl Czar Lottery in no time. We’ll sell tickets at ten bucks a pop, and then a few days before that 30-day “reprieve” runs out, select someone at random, give them the title, and pay their salary from the funds raised.
Problem solved!
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